WEDDING VOWS:   "To Write or Not to Write; That is the Question"

It sounds so wonderful, so romantic, so perfect. Thoughts of that LIFE moment when the officiant asks you to share your vows and you recite the most important words of your life before your husband or wife and all the assembled. And the words are your own, personalized from your heart to express your deepest feelings for your beloved one and the promise of life-long commitment.

It's the stuff wedding dreams are made of.

The truth is -- it's not that easy.

There are several "reality checks" you might want to consider before you decide whether reciting your own vows is right for you.

1. How good a writer are you? The reason for cliches like "There aren't words to convey the depth of my feelings for you" is precisely because usually words simply cannot begin to do justice to the power and passion of what swells inside your soul for your man or woman.

Unless you are a fairly skilled writer, you'll likely find your efforts to write something at once powerful, prosaic, and concise most frustrating.

In such a case, I might recommend reconciling yourself to the wonderful truth that, indeed, ANY attempt to try to convey in words the depth of your feelings will fall short -- and rejoice in the reality of that!! That's good!

Then simply find vows that do what vows are intended to do -- declare in the fullness of love your lifelong commitment to your new wife/husband.

2. How good a writer is your fiance? Don't overlook this. You might be able to write vows that would bring tears to the eyes of the most hardened soul, but then what of your fiance when it's his or her turn?

In most cases like this I've run across, it ends up the better writer ends up writing the same vows for both partners. While this works, it also means the vows almost certainly reflect more and resonate from the heart of the author than the one he/she is marrying.

3. According to many surveys and studies, among people's greatest fears is public speaking. Usually when people write their own vows they also recite them. That means:

* reading in public
    * reciting aloud in public
        ... on the most sacred and emotionally-charged occasion
            ... before ALL your closest family, friends, and associates
                ... the most important words you'll ever utter in your life
                    ... with NO SECOND CHANCE...

Not that it can't be done -- it often is. But it is something to consider before choosing to go this route.

ALL THIS IS NOT TO DISSUADE you from writing your own vows. Many couples write and recite their own vows (sometimes from memory!), sometimes with almost breathtaking results.

In most cases, however, whether it's perfect eloquence or stammering at the altar makes little difference. Nobody expects a Demothenes. A little fumbling over vows is common and doesn't detract from the power of the occasion; it even sometimes helps break the tension.

Know yourself, your fiance, what you want, and what really matters to you. Weigh the pros and cons FOR YOU. If you choose to write your own vows, enjoy it, do your best, make it YOURS. If you choose to use other traditional or contemporary vows (like most couples), find ones that work for BOTH of you.

Ultimately what matters most is not the GIVING but the LIVING of your vows.

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